HoleHogStories

Stories from the Hog

Anagrams for: ocho torros tonto loco

October 15, 2008 – 12:11 pm

Tooth Cocoon Root Loss
Hot Loons Toots Rococo
Sloth Cocoon Root Soot

http://wordsmith.org/anagram/anagram.cgi?anagram=Ocho+Locos+Tonto+Toros&t=1000

By hogget | Comments (0)

Hole Truth

June 16, 2008 – 4:24 am

The Hole truth and nothing but the truth, sort of. Over the years I have enjoyed collecting fun facts from here and there. Some of them are absolutely true, others are obvious misrepresentation of Hogstory. You be the judge….

IT’S A FACT! Hard to believe, but HOLEHOG! was not an overnight sensation. When they played their first gig in Austin, Minnesota, the bartender unplugged the p.a. after only two songs, saying, “I’m gonna play the jukebox.” Audience members were actually applauding him.

IT’S A FACT! Despite their popularity the Hog does not get recognized everywhere they go. Road manager, Clive Hurlington relates this story;

We were on our way to Alabama or someplace. We stop for gas at this truck stop. Well, the entire band decides they want to get out and go snack shopping. You know, Ho Ho’s, beef sticks, and shit like that. So anyway, it’s against my better judgment, and I tell ‘em so. They just ignore me and go inside. I’m looking in the window, from the gas pump, expecting pandemonium to break out at any moment. Here’s every member of HOLEHOG!, browsing Ding Dongs and right in the middle of normal people! A couple of minutes go by and I start to see them come out of the store, one by one with snacks in hand. Not one person looked at them twice or realized who had been in the store!

IT’S A FACT! Not much thought goes into writing a HOLEHOG! song. Veteran off-Broadway producer, Hank Boswell says the 1988 rock opera, “Hog It Up!” was written in a couple of hours. “They would just, like, see people selling hot dogs in the street and start singing, ‘Sweaty Hot Dogs’ over and over and there was a song.”

IT’S A FACT! HOLEHOG! shows remain celebrity-free. Ever since 1970, when New York Times writer, Bud Semen, falsely reported that Buddy Hackett never missed a HOLEHOG! show, the band has had a reputation of attracting the rich and famous to their shows. In reality, the exact opposite is true. According to long time roadie, Chuck Smallmouth, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone famous at a show. Not even a local weatherperson.”

IT’S A FACT! The Hog’s biggest fan base is in Europe. According to Bonn Bonn Express, their single, ‘Rainbows And Leotards’ outsold David Hasselhoff’s ‘Greatest Hits’ 2 to 1 in it’s first week on the charts.

IT’S A FACT! There has never been an official HOLEHOG! fan club. Despite the glut of HH sites on the internet and the seemingly mandatory bumper sticker on the car of anyone under the age of thirty, HOLEHOG! has never had an official fan club. When asked the reason for this, manager Roger Cloopey said, “Hog fans don’t need a club to know they are fans.”

By hogget | Comments (0)

Story of Hog

August 21, 1989 – 7:34 am

The true origins of HOLEHOG! have always been a mystery, until now!! I am very excited to bring you this new, unofficial, unendorsed, independent website. Not because I disrespect the band, because I love the band. Their inability to cooperate with any biography or profile has always been a source of great frustration to Hogheads like me.

Up until 1985, I had resigned myself to just accepting the fact that I would never get the real scoop behind my favorite band. I would have to just sit in my room and stare at the album covers, imagining my own background story.

The popular rumor back then was that they were four wayward monks who needed to rock as part of a spiritual journey they had planned for themselves. My parents, however, remembered Wolfman Jack saying they were four siblings from St. Louis who met when they were all filing a similar lawsuit against Chuck Berry (they settled out of court). My grandparents tell me that Walter Winchell used to spend an inordinate amount of time praising the band as a healthy, all-american alternative to jazz and swing music. Write ups in Dynamite magazine, bubble gum cards, comic books, and made-for-tv movies all confused the matter even more.

I consider the summer of ’85 to be the most awesome (sic ed.) time in my life. It was then that I first began to learn the REAL story. I was an intern for Jet magazine and spent my days running errands for the staff. I would get lunch, deliver letters, whatever the staff wanted me to do. One of my favorite stops would be the newsstand right outside the building. I would pick up all the major newspapers and sometimes bubble gum for the reporters.

What I liked about it though, was the owner of the newsstand. A seventy-six year old ex-marine, who three days out of the week, wore an old, beat up HOLEHOG! t-shirt. He never gave me his name, even when I asked for it. He always said if I had to call him something, call him Darling Jill.

Darling Jill had an interesting story, not about himself, but about our favorite band, HOLEHOG! He claimed to know several ex-marines that worked as roadies for the infamous 1965 Pig Pen tour. Any Hoghead knows this to be the tour when all four band members supposedly beat a mentally challenged fan when they mistook his unadulterated enthusiasm as sarcastic mocking. The incident led to a sharp decline in the HOLEHOG! fanbase. Even though some of their best work appeared after that incident it was the last time they would see crowds of that size in the U.S.

To be continued…

By hogget | Comments (0)

The HoleHog FAQ

November 20, 2002 – 8:36 am

The Hole Hog FAQ

Is Hole Hog the oldest living band in rock and roll?

Is there an actual pig in the band?

What does the song “The Bad News Bears go to Japan,” really

mean?

and many, many more…


Is Hole Hog really the oldest living band in rock and roll?

The living rock and roll “entity” that has evolved into Hole Hog came into

existance in a marsh, near what is now Oxford England, in the year 12 BC. In

fact, most bands are not living entities at all, but corporate entities set

up by Martha Stewart’s Living Inc., heretofore known as the “shadow

government.” If another band can definitively prove that their band has a

“life force” and the said “life force,” came into existance before 12 BC,

then Hole Hog will end it’s use of the phrase “oldest living band,”

and change the motto to something equally catchy like, “Hoggin’ Holes

Since 12 BC.”

So there is an actual porkine creature in the band?

In so much as there are any actual members of Hole Hog, no. The Hole Hog
entity itself would be very offended by suggestions that it is a “porkine
creature,” like many entities of it’s age, it’s bloody sensitive about it’s
weight.

What is the relationship of the band Hole Hog to the mechanical “Hole

HogTM” product available at fine stores
everywhere?

The members of Hole Hog are proud owners and operators of a series of Hole

HogTM machines and often use them on their
regular weekend treasure hunting and

fence mending retreats. The band Hole Hog has no relation to the fantastic

Hole HogTM machine, nor claims any tradmark
that may overlap.

I’m interested in “following” Hole Hog, how can I get a season franchise on

a “Hole Hog” rice and beans stand to finance my fanatical obsession?

Hole Hog Rice and Beans consessions are available directly from Martha

Stewart’s Living Inc., call her at home at 555-555-5666, or email
martha@living.tv.

Those interested in a Rice and Beans internship, should also contact

Martha, if you know what I mean.

I heard there was some tension in the band following the dissolution of

Blue Numbers and the heart churning departure of Dave from Hole Hog, are

you guys OK?

Both Dave and Scott remain board members of the studio5.tv collective. The

traditionalTM Hole Hog mourning rituals are now
over, and Hole Hog has

regained it’s ability to live and love like normal

children.

Hole Hog has a lot of songs about food. Are any of you Taruses, like pop-stars

Salvador Dali, Weird Al Yancovic, Attorney General John Ashcroft or Chibo Mato?

Yes, Jim and Toby where both “born under the sign of the bull,” and would

sing about food morning noon and night if only society would accept such

things. Ironicly the Hole Hog entity is a Virgo, by modern astrological

reconing, but there is some question due to stellar drift since 12 BC. More

likely, Hole Hog IS a Taurus and Jim and Toby are actually Libras.

I’ve often wondered what the song “The Bad News Bears go to Japan,” really

means, will you tell me?

The very fact that you would ask such an idiotic question means you do not

currently “understand” the Hole Hog message, and probaby never will.

You guys don’t wear cowboy hats, do you?

The Hole Hog does not belive in hats, therefore the members of Hole Hog are
barred from any public display of headgear of any description, with hair
being the obvious exception. In a word, Hole Hog is a hair band.

What if I have a question for Hole Hog, where can I turn?

Send your questions and comments directly to the great hole hog entity:

  1. Go to a quiet part of your home, workplace, or favorite pub

  2. Close your eyes

  3. Clear your mind of thoughts

  4. Imagine yourself in communication with the Hole Hog entity

  5. Psychically send the Hole Hog your question

… or, if that doesn’t work post a comment on this site… maybe the HoleHog will read it?

By T Hog | Comments (0)

Who is HoleHog?

October 30, 2002 – 8:03 am

Krustine


After years of hardcore drug abuse and a small stint in federal prison, Krustine is finally settling down. Thankfully, she has chosen to settle down with Hole Hog.
A veteran of the Scandinavian Death Metal scene, Krustine has fronted many potentially commercial bands in the past. FuckFester, Infanticide, and Glory Hole, to name a few. Unfortunately, her insane thirst for drugs, alcohol, and underage groupies consistently guaranteed disaster for all projects. Hopefully, after finding new energy in being clean and sober, Hole Hog will not be another one of those failed ventures.

T.


T. can best be described in one word…Arsonist.
Reportedly responsible for over two hundred church fires in the Midwest over the last ten years, it is well known that T. likes flames. Though he has never been prosecuted or even formally charged with any crimes, rumours abound everytime a suspicious fire is set near a Hole Hog concert. [Which is quite often]
Publicly, T. denies such accusations, insisting that his side projects involving pyrotechnics-gone-wrong is merely coincidence.

Skip


Despite being thought of as the trouble maker of the group, Skip is probably the most stable. It was five years ago that the swaggering bass player was charged with attempted manslaughter. It was at a gig put on by the Veterans Of Foreign Wars. Many bands played, raising money for various local charities. About halfway into their set, Skip claims twelve year old Collin Anderson began giving him ‘the hard stare’. The rest is history. After being struck upon the head several times with the bass and stabbed with the neck of a Jack Daniels bottle, Collin will never be the same. Many believe that Skip’s deep pockets account for him never being charged for the crime, but those who know him realize that it was just a misunderstanding.

Jim

He’s the drummer, and a swell fella.

By T Hog | Comments (0)